I am a 35-year-old mother of two
wonderful children, have a loving and devoted husband, a home, a car, clothing,
food, and family that do things for me like host a baby shower for my 3rd
baby on the way. So why am I so incredibly sad this morning? Loneliness.
Emptiness. The void that is a black hole permeating the center of my being. As
part of processing this, I decided to write it out. I want to share this too,
because maybe other moms have sat hunched alone in a dark room of their house
in a sloshy, sad heap, yesterday’s mascara staining their cheeks from crying. Maybe
my words will provide some comfort, because at least she’d know she’s not the
only one. Don’t get me wrong, I have every desire to live, to have fun, to do
the things that I love. It’s not depression. It’s a lack of connection with
adults. I think it’s mostly a lack of connection with women. Why isn’t my
husband enough? Well he is, and he isn’t. He certainly is enough and is a great
dad. But being my only true friend 90% of my life is a heavy weight. He’s a pretty
strong dude and he does try. He does see me. He sees my loneliness and wants to
“fix” it, as men do. They are creatures of action, and his attention and caring
keeps me sane, despite his complete lack of understanding and empathy. He is
almost annoyed by it. But, my loneliness is not his burden to bear.
What I am craving must be akin to a
tribe; a tribe of women, a small circle, that want to be in my company and I in
theirs. They want to be around me, to know my thoughts and the goings on in my
life. I have experienced similar connections and friendships when I was
younger. I know it exists, and I know how gloriously satisfying it is. How does
one remedy this feeling of loneliness in the 21st century? How do I
form my own tribe? How do I join a tribe? I see them on Facebook. I see women
enjoying each other’s company. I envy them and as I scroll through the
multitude of smiling faces, my loneliness grows. Then it hit me: Facebook is a façade.
It is a not a social networking site but rather a tool for those that are
already social. It’s a communication tool for those wanting to actually
socialize, face-to-face, with their “real” friends, and apparently it’s now a
platform to push your ideals and try to get people to buy whatever it is you’re
selling (oils, clothes, bags, services, etc). Sure, you may find groups that
meet, and you can certainly go to those meet-ups and make a real connection,
and out of this planted seed grows a “real” friendship. It is possible. Or Facebook
is a tool for spying, that’s always an option. Mostly, I’ve utilized the
latter. I deactivate my Facebook account sometimes, so as to avoid the daily perpetual
clicking, followed by a heart-sinking feeling. I have also attempted connecting
and reaching-out and joining people’s meet-ups, albeit a meek attempt.
I think the effort fell short for
me not only out of some amount fear, but also because it just kind of feels
contrived. I am going to drive my sleep-deprived and desperately lonely self
across town to smile and try, try to be the best version of me, so that they
will like me. Because if they saw the gritty side, the bitter and sad and
exhausted and frustrated side, they’d run for the hills, right? These women don’t
want to skip the intro phase. There must be a dating phase, a
getting-to-know-you phase that happens when making new friends as an adult. We
have probably all heard moms saying that meeting other moms and setting up
playdates is like “dating”. You see someone that might be a possibility, she
looks cool, tatted and playing with her kid like she gives a shit, do I
approach? What do I say that won’t sound corny or desperate? We chat a little,
she’s kind, and then she is gone. It has happened to me several times. I
conjure the courage to strike up a conversation and I try to make a connection
that will ensure another interaction or “date”, but alas, nothing comes of it
except my mildly bruised ego and ever-growing loneliness. I don’t blame her.
She is busy! She is a mom, and is juggling and balancing the craziness that is
a moms’ life. I get it. I wonder if she has a tribe.
Then I have those other chance
encounters with a potential mom friend, the ones where I am picking up my
daughter at school and see some chic looking stressed but cool (dressed trendy-ish,
maybe a tat, maybe a messy bun) and I know she’s like me, and I resist the urge
to roll down the window and shout at her “hey! Let’s be friends! It’ll take the
edge off that little shits attitude he’s giving you right now!” But maybe she
already has a tribe, and I’d just look like a nutcase. No, this is not the way.
There must be another way. There must be another way to reach out to
like-minded women, and make new friends as an adult. It can’t be THAT hard
right? I mean, join a club, do stuff, and out of this develops friendships. So
simple. But what if we don’t leave the house because our husband works so much
and we have two kids, and I don’t have money to drive across town or even to go
out to dinner? What then? Where there’s a will there’s a way. It’s all up to
me, my life is in my hands, and I am responsible for it. My loneliness is a
result of my not doing something right, of that I am sure. What it is I’m doing
wrong, I do not know.
I used to think I needed to improve
myself. I thought I needed to become someone people want to know. The idea is
if I’m likeable and interesting, people will like me and take interest in me,
and they’ll just magically flock to ME. I won’t need to go searching and
frankly, hunting friends. Nope. I was wrong. I am always improving myself,
learning and creating and growing and becoming. I am enough as I am. I enjoy my
own company. I think I’m funny and interesting, and can philosophize in one breath
and shoot the shit the next. Our society tends to tell us there is something
wrong with us and that we need to fix it, and it’s worse for women. This is old
news. Something else that is relatively old news is that loneliness is detrimental
to ones’ health. It can cause physical ailments. It’s nearly as bad as smoking
freaking cigarettes. So as I try to eat well and get enough exercise and
sunshine, I am still jacking up my precious body because I’ve yet to make “real”
friends? I use quotation marks because we know that there is certainly a
difference. Sure, it’s nice to experience those acquaintances that enrich life,
and it’s not reaching to call them a friend, but it’s not the kind of friend
that really loves you for you, all of you, the dark and the light. I am not
disqualifying these acquaintances from developing into more meaningful relationships,
just noting there is a difference.
Real friendships and human
connection are essential to health and I’d even go so far as to say it is a key
component in the recipe for happiness. Being happy with what we have, and for
the life we have and the friends we have is truly a key to cultivating a
healthy mind and spirit. I do practice gratitude. I do have some friendships
that are long distance relationships, and I value those immensely. I count my
blessings daily. I usually feel happy, content, and look forward to many things
in my life. My children bring me so much joy, and I find joy in making them
smile too. I focus my energy on my creative endeavors, my financial goals,
growing my little business, and keeping our family moving like a well-oiled
machine. Ok so maybe the machine is a little rickety at times and needs a good
deep cleaning, but it’s a working machine nonetheless, and its mine. It is my
beautiful life; in all its glory, in all it’s beautiful, messy splendor, this
life and this family unit is a gratifying thing to manage.
As beautiful and fulfilling as my
life is, there is something missing. I haven’t figured out how to fill the void
and make new friends. I think there are probably other moms feeling the same
way. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, do me a favor: reach
out. Send someone a message. Ask someone to lunch. Smile at other moms, and if
one is circling you and stuttering over her words as she desperately tries to
make a connection, don’t judge too harshly. She might be super anxious and really,
very, deeply lonely, and you might be the only person she’s talked to in days.
